My life kind of fell apart a month ago. I mean, not really, not in the bigger grander scheme of things, but it fell apart enough to leave me pretty ripped up for a while; ripped up but totally ignoring the shreds, trying to cope through business. That's what I do, it's my thing. Usually the end result is self destruction of some sort: chaos sometimes, or a more quiet bleeding of the soul.
More troubling than having lost the longest term and maybe most significant relationship of my life (or, not lost, but changed in a sad way, maybe) and having the future of my job questioned, was the reality that the thing I call religion, the thing I sometimes dare to call faith -it wasn't doing a thing for me in the midst of all this. And I kept being reminded of that - of how my toolbox seemed so empty.
I struggle with ideas like providence, the idea that God would somehow have the time and energy to perfectly plan things in my life, whatever the motivation behind it. I don't buy that, but I do believe that things happen in a way that is not entirely disconnected, things happen in a succession that allows for growth and continuity. The best explanation I have for that is the idea that as we continue to learn things, we're more open and receptive to whatever comes next; that maybe those things would have happened or already did happen, but we didn't see them or attach the same significance, because X Y or Z hadn't happened yet. Not a divine plan, but still something mysterious.
I wouldn't have had this difficult but amazing relationship if all the other difficult and amazing relationships hadn't come before. I wouldn't have been ready to learn how to say what I needed and wanted from someone if I hadn't have had so many people ignore me when I said it before. I wouldn't have been able to see that sometimes it doesn't matter if its right or perfect or still in the middle, sometimes it ends anyway. And sometimes things being unfinished are exactly the way they're supposed to be. And sometimes things are never finished, and what does finished mean anyway?
Or, events are ways of reifying what we think we know. I say, have said, that my understanding of love and human relationships includes the idea that we are all busted and broken and trying to sort ourselves and each other out; not that we are unfinished and waiting to make each other and ourselves whole. I sorted a lot of who I was out; I was and still am whole.
What I needed, maybe still need, in the midst of all that, was some comfort. Sometimes UU's talk about the comfort of "other religions" with a hostile and condescending tone, as though comfort is some sort of bullshit pablum that we are too intelligent to need. That's a bunch of shit. We need comfort. And comfort doesn't automatically translate to easy answers, to pie in the sky, to an absolution of accountability. Comfort is something to hang on to, not the truth not the gospel not the end all be all. Its the little piece of land that you can find in the storm. It's still raining like hell and the wind is still bowling you over, but you've got somewhere to stand.
And I didn't find that. And it scares me.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Get yer own effing identity, Andie
I wanted to write during holy week, and then I forgot. Instead I had a couple of conversations, which was almost as good. I mean, I actually have no clue if anyone besides me actually reads this, so its not like I'm hoping to communicate or anything.
Ok, so, Holy week - big deal. I mean, maybe not to a lot of UU's, or at least, not in the way its a big deal for the xtians, but still, a big deal, right? On Palm Sunday I played ruthless games of can can with my UU babies and then sat down and talked to them about Easter. You know, like, why is everyone so happy if Jesus died? and why do they call it Good friday? and why are there eggs and bunnies and chocolate? Did Jesus have hard boiled eggs? was it his favorite food?
And it makes me kind of sad when I revert to the staid old answers about metaphors and what other people believe. Cos I bet you money that those kids woke up to giant easter baskets brimming with Ipods and shit like that, and they should know on a deep level why this day is important to so many people. They should know about it in ultural context, you know, the ways in which the holiday was totally lifted from pagan cultures and how easter has provided excuse to be total asshats to each other, but they should also know that its an intense and meaningful story.
I'm trying to balance, right now, the way that I use and understand Christian ritual and tradition as a UU. My social and identity formantion may have happened in YRUU, but my spiritual formation happened at an ecumenical and multi faith (read:UU) campus ministry in college. I did shit during Lent and holy week - went to Ash Wednesday services, went to Easter vigils - because my community did and because ritual is really important to me. One year I went on a silent retreat over Easter, and read the passion in all of the synoptic gospels, and I had crazy dreams about Jesus and me in Jerusalem during Holy week, and it was intense.
I'm not a Christian, though I pseudo-claimed that while I was in college (xtian UU), because I just can't get behind the apostolic creed and there are a lot of days I don't really believe in God, let alone Jesus being God. But there are so many things in that tradition that move and compel me, stories that are crucial to my understanding of the world.
But I don't want to be one of those jerks who just takes what works for me and leaves the rest. I want a more complex understanding of things. But I'm afraid of that too, because my community is pretty anti-xtian and I have problems with wanting everyone to like me all the time. Metaphor is such a modern concept, it's such a surface level thing. Oh, well, this isn't true but its a tool. Fuck that, I mean, fuck truth. why is truth so important?
I've been reading a lot about emergent church communities, and I want in so bad. I want one. All of them are really christian, like either from fundy perspectives or epicopalian/lutheran/catholic - high church stuff. I can't claim the belief systems that make up the foundation of those communities, but there is something about them that makes me ache, that I think would burn a hole in my heart in precisely the way I want it burned.
Im so committed to my UU identity, but right now my best friends in spirituality ways are lutherans and episcopalians. I'm alright with that, but it feels a little unstable and a lot lonely. I just don't want to be another religious fashion victim, you know? Falling prey to what's cool instead of what fills me.
Ok, so, Holy week - big deal. I mean, maybe not to a lot of UU's, or at least, not in the way its a big deal for the xtians, but still, a big deal, right? On Palm Sunday I played ruthless games of can can with my UU babies and then sat down and talked to them about Easter. You know, like, why is everyone so happy if Jesus died? and why do they call it Good friday? and why are there eggs and bunnies and chocolate? Did Jesus have hard boiled eggs? was it his favorite food?
And it makes me kind of sad when I revert to the staid old answers about metaphors and what other people believe. Cos I bet you money that those kids woke up to giant easter baskets brimming with Ipods and shit like that, and they should know on a deep level why this day is important to so many people. They should know about it in ultural context, you know, the ways in which the holiday was totally lifted from pagan cultures and how easter has provided excuse to be total asshats to each other, but they should also know that its an intense and meaningful story.
I'm trying to balance, right now, the way that I use and understand Christian ritual and tradition as a UU. My social and identity formantion may have happened in YRUU, but my spiritual formation happened at an ecumenical and multi faith (read:UU) campus ministry in college. I did shit during Lent and holy week - went to Ash Wednesday services, went to Easter vigils - because my community did and because ritual is really important to me. One year I went on a silent retreat over Easter, and read the passion in all of the synoptic gospels, and I had crazy dreams about Jesus and me in Jerusalem during Holy week, and it was intense.
I'm not a Christian, though I pseudo-claimed that while I was in college (xtian UU), because I just can't get behind the apostolic creed and there are a lot of days I don't really believe in God, let alone Jesus being God. But there are so many things in that tradition that move and compel me, stories that are crucial to my understanding of the world.
But I don't want to be one of those jerks who just takes what works for me and leaves the rest. I want a more complex understanding of things. But I'm afraid of that too, because my community is pretty anti-xtian and I have problems with wanting everyone to like me all the time. Metaphor is such a modern concept, it's such a surface level thing. Oh, well, this isn't true but its a tool. Fuck that, I mean, fuck truth. why is truth so important?
I've been reading a lot about emergent church communities, and I want in so bad. I want one. All of them are really christian, like either from fundy perspectives or epicopalian/lutheran/catholic - high church stuff. I can't claim the belief systems that make up the foundation of those communities, but there is something about them that makes me ache, that I think would burn a hole in my heart in precisely the way I want it burned.
Im so committed to my UU identity, but right now my best friends in spirituality ways are lutherans and episcopalians. I'm alright with that, but it feels a little unstable and a lot lonely. I just don't want to be another religious fashion victim, you know? Falling prey to what's cool instead of what fills me.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Hopefully soon, this blog will be a collective effort of the members of UUNICORN (Unitarian Universalists Not in Church or Religiously Networked.) Really, UUNICORN is a group of UU punks/radicals who all went through YRUU at roughly the same time (we have a couple of "generations") and who still feel attached to UUism but who don't feel served by the UU congregations available to them. We work well together because we have a collective history to base our shit talk on and because we all really enjoying making dumpstered eggs into fantastic spanish omlettes. And I mean, like any other UU community, we tend towards to radically exclusive, and are probably still decidedly narcissitic, but we've also managed to create a UU community without the help of the stupid UUA.
This Saturday we had a great conversation about the first principle. A principle which I generally use as the UU "selling point:"
respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all people
It would seem, on the surface, that this is a pretty easy idea to get behind. Who doesn't love respect? Worth? Dignity? Exactly.
So that's what we hide behind as UU's - we love EVERYBODY! We are such awesome peace loving hippies! You would love to be a part of our community cos we won't judge you like all those christians you've met!
Bullshit. We are just as judgemental as the next group of people, maybe more so because we have this neat little principle to hide behind.
UU's don't often have to deal with issues of theodicy. Shit happens and God has nothing to do with it, right? So we just move on. But the thing is: shit does happen, it happens in our communities, and it rips them apart. We are seeing this happen wholesale with the ways in which we are handling the racism of our denomination. We've formed lots of committees and study groups and even training cadres, but we haven't changed the abject racism of our faith, because we aren't willing to deal with the fact that a lot of us white folx are doing really awful things to people of color, or standing by and letting them happen. If we were to do that, we might have to look more closely at that first principle and how well it stands up to the reality that people can be real asshats to each other.
There was a sexual assault at a youth conference a few years ago. The district is still dealing with the fallout. I think we're still dealing with it because we haven't been able to have real and genuine conversations about sexual assault, and what that means when we supposedly respect the inherent worth and dignity of every person. The inherent worth of a sexual predetor? That offends us, maybe, but also paralyzes us. So we react the same way people have been reacting for centuries and put a bunch of shitty rules in place that never address what is going on.
I'm a systems person - a sociologist. I understand that this is just as problematic as an individual person, someone who looks at psychology as the root of everything. But when I have to deal with evil, I deal with it on a systems level. Since my understanding of divinity is directly tied to my understanding of intentional community, my version of theodicy is when that community collectively fucks up and stops being accountable. That's every community, because community might be holy, but its not infalliable or omnipotent.
The question is how we can possibly create accountable communities that also respect everyone's inherent worth and dignity. How do we hold everyone accountable for the awful shit that happens and still be able to say to the perpetrators, "you are a human being worthy of respect and love?" CAN you do that? Does it even work?
And how can we do that when the system that we were raised in, that we understand as reality, is rotten to its core? How do I say to the perpetartors of sexual violence, "what you did is not acceptable and is awful and caused pain. But you are a worthy human being. You cannot behave like that in this community, but you are still a valuable part of it." while still taking into account the safety and needs of other members in the community, most notably the survivors of violence?
I have a totally irrational hope that there is a way to do that. Its the hope that keeps me alive. And even when I don't believe that anything will ever change, least of all in my lifetime, I still believe that it will because otherwise, what's the point?
Some people, I hear, call that faith.
This Saturday we had a great conversation about the first principle. A principle which I generally use as the UU "selling point:"
respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all people
It would seem, on the surface, that this is a pretty easy idea to get behind. Who doesn't love respect? Worth? Dignity? Exactly.
So that's what we hide behind as UU's - we love EVERYBODY! We are such awesome peace loving hippies! You would love to be a part of our community cos we won't judge you like all those christians you've met!
Bullshit. We are just as judgemental as the next group of people, maybe more so because we have this neat little principle to hide behind.
UU's don't often have to deal with issues of theodicy. Shit happens and God has nothing to do with it, right? So we just move on. But the thing is: shit does happen, it happens in our communities, and it rips them apart. We are seeing this happen wholesale with the ways in which we are handling the racism of our denomination. We've formed lots of committees and study groups and even training cadres, but we haven't changed the abject racism of our faith, because we aren't willing to deal with the fact that a lot of us white folx are doing really awful things to people of color, or standing by and letting them happen. If we were to do that, we might have to look more closely at that first principle and how well it stands up to the reality that people can be real asshats to each other.
There was a sexual assault at a youth conference a few years ago. The district is still dealing with the fallout. I think we're still dealing with it because we haven't been able to have real and genuine conversations about sexual assault, and what that means when we supposedly respect the inherent worth and dignity of every person. The inherent worth of a sexual predetor? That offends us, maybe, but also paralyzes us. So we react the same way people have been reacting for centuries and put a bunch of shitty rules in place that never address what is going on.
I'm a systems person - a sociologist. I understand that this is just as problematic as an individual person, someone who looks at psychology as the root of everything. But when I have to deal with evil, I deal with it on a systems level. Since my understanding of divinity is directly tied to my understanding of intentional community, my version of theodicy is when that community collectively fucks up and stops being accountable. That's every community, because community might be holy, but its not infalliable or omnipotent.
The question is how we can possibly create accountable communities that also respect everyone's inherent worth and dignity. How do we hold everyone accountable for the awful shit that happens and still be able to say to the perpetrators, "you are a human being worthy of respect and love?" CAN you do that? Does it even work?
And how can we do that when the system that we were raised in, that we understand as reality, is rotten to its core? How do I say to the perpetartors of sexual violence, "what you did is not acceptable and is awful and caused pain. But you are a worthy human being. You cannot behave like that in this community, but you are still a valuable part of it." while still taking into account the safety and needs of other members in the community, most notably the survivors of violence?
I have a totally irrational hope that there is a way to do that. Its the hope that keeps me alive. And even when I don't believe that anything will ever change, least of all in my lifetime, I still believe that it will because otherwise, what's the point?
Some people, I hear, call that faith.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Respect for the World Wide Web of which we are all* a part
*all except, you know, the majority of the world who isn't obessively and narcissitically hooked into the internet.
I got this YouTube UU Propaganda clip from an aquaintance. Thought y'all might like to see what the world wide web of which we are all a part is seeing of the flaming chalice . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJCf4VgnkBk
I got this YouTube UU Propaganda clip from an aquaintance. Thought y'all might like to see what the world wide web of which we are all a part is seeing of the flaming chalice . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJCf4VgnkBk
Sunday, February 4, 2007
In a world without beliefnet
So I'm reading all this UU History for a class I'm taking this quarter. I've never been a big American history fan. I think American history is boring. Not even genuine drama, just a lot of really stupid and inane bullshit.
But its good that I'm reading this, I guess. Good because maybe someday soon I'll be a major representative of "the faith" or the movement or whatever, and because I've oft advised people not to get involved in something they don't understand, and I've been patently ignoring my own advice for a long time now.
I flirted with Christianity for a while in college. I don't know that anything about it hooked me, per se, in terms of theology. I mean, on my best and most mystical days, I can kind of get behind the idea of "god" or whatever, but the idea that said god would 1) bear a child (to an unwed 13 year old, knowing full well it would freak her shit out and put her in a totally precarious position given the misogynistic mores of the day) 2) off that child in a really horrific way to clense the world of "sin", seems really kind of outlandish. I can see its validity as a cautionary tale, maybe, but I can't buy it.
On the other hand, I can totally buy that there was some guy out in the world who had radical ideas and fucked shit up and got killed by the governement for it, and that the folks who hung out with that guy thought he was so awesome that they started communities dedicated to living life the way he thought it should be lived. So, you know, I dig Jesus and shit.
Anyway, this all relates because I've been reading this history and mostly wondering 1) if it resonates with me at all and 2) if it would have resonated with me 100 years ago. If I didn't have beliefnet to tell me I was a UU, would I be one? a U or a U, that is. Which really means I'm thinking about why I'm a UU. I don't know that I feel some sort of lack in my life without the idea of God, because as I said, I often don't believe in God. But there is something that keeps me attached to this movement, so attached in fact that I am planning on making a living doing it.
So, would I have been a Unitarian or a Universalist? Yeah, probably. Lets keep in mind that I would probably have to at least feign interest in a church, that or risk total marginalization (lets assume that I am a white lady with at least a modicum of class privilege) and because I'm a smart cookie, I'd find one that I could stomach. Probably, I'd be a Universalist. Frankly, I'm a little astounded that whether God is a three-in-one deal or a single being has consumed as much history and controversy as it has. And I'll be blunt, I think most trinitarians are totally fooling themselves, hanging recklessly on to some historical precedent of monotheism. It's probably racism, since most polytheistic religions are the religions of folks of color. But I digress . . . Universalism, on the other hand, well . . .yeah. People are worried about whether they're going to hell (lets assume that I believe, in some way or another, that hell exists. and heaven too) I'd want everyone there with me, in heaven that is, and I think God would too. Come on, God didn't create all this shit just to set it on fire. Or, God did. But God would set it ALL on fire, not just some of it, right?
The funny thing is, of all my important spiritual questions, the two least important are whether God exists (and therefore, also, whether God is multiple personality or just a single crazy guy) and whether heaven exists. But the history of my denomination is built on folks who really did care about this stuff.
I just think its funny.
But its good that I'm reading this, I guess. Good because maybe someday soon I'll be a major representative of "the faith" or the movement or whatever, and because I've oft advised people not to get involved in something they don't understand, and I've been patently ignoring my own advice for a long time now.
I flirted with Christianity for a while in college. I don't know that anything about it hooked me, per se, in terms of theology. I mean, on my best and most mystical days, I can kind of get behind the idea of "god" or whatever, but the idea that said god would 1) bear a child (to an unwed 13 year old, knowing full well it would freak her shit out and put her in a totally precarious position given the misogynistic mores of the day) 2) off that child in a really horrific way to clense the world of "sin", seems really kind of outlandish. I can see its validity as a cautionary tale, maybe, but I can't buy it.
On the other hand, I can totally buy that there was some guy out in the world who had radical ideas and fucked shit up and got killed by the governement for it, and that the folks who hung out with that guy thought he was so awesome that they started communities dedicated to living life the way he thought it should be lived. So, you know, I dig Jesus and shit.
Anyway, this all relates because I've been reading this history and mostly wondering 1) if it resonates with me at all and 2) if it would have resonated with me 100 years ago. If I didn't have beliefnet to tell me I was a UU, would I be one? a U or a U, that is. Which really means I'm thinking about why I'm a UU. I don't know that I feel some sort of lack in my life without the idea of God, because as I said, I often don't believe in God. But there is something that keeps me attached to this movement, so attached in fact that I am planning on making a living doing it.
So, would I have been a Unitarian or a Universalist? Yeah, probably. Lets keep in mind that I would probably have to at least feign interest in a church, that or risk total marginalization (lets assume that I am a white lady with at least a modicum of class privilege) and because I'm a smart cookie, I'd find one that I could stomach. Probably, I'd be a Universalist. Frankly, I'm a little astounded that whether God is a three-in-one deal or a single being has consumed as much history and controversy as it has. And I'll be blunt, I think most trinitarians are totally fooling themselves, hanging recklessly on to some historical precedent of monotheism. It's probably racism, since most polytheistic religions are the religions of folks of color. But I digress . . . Universalism, on the other hand, well . . .yeah. People are worried about whether they're going to hell (lets assume that I believe, in some way or another, that hell exists. and heaven too) I'd want everyone there with me, in heaven that is, and I think God would too. Come on, God didn't create all this shit just to set it on fire. Or, God did. But God would set it ALL on fire, not just some of it, right?
The funny thing is, of all my important spiritual questions, the two least important are whether God exists (and therefore, also, whether God is multiple personality or just a single crazy guy) and whether heaven exists. But the history of my denomination is built on folks who really did care about this stuff.
I just think its funny.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
UU Punx vs. UU Hippies
I want Unitarian Universalism to be challanging. I want us to get off of the peaceful and sweet bandwagon, because its not doing anything for any of us. I want us to push the envelope in our communities as much as we claim we do. I want us to quit being such dickbags to christians, and let go of that baggage because it furthers our racism, our xenophobia and our stoney image. I want us to be willing to feel things, especially uncomfortable. I want us to quit hanging on to an identity of heresy if we're not willing to back that up with real revolutionary ideas. I want us to quit treating our youth like we treat our adults, because they don't have the same experience, and they never will. I want us to get out of understanding ourselves as a subculture, and start understanding ourselves as a community. I want us to work to make that true.
Consider this your opening rant. Ideally, future posts will be somewhat more grounded.
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